I can honestly say that I love the feeling of utter brokenness.  I realized this while in the midst of tears, in the depths of pain, so I'm not just saying so after escaping.

Let me get this out of the way: I generally feel broken after many bad events coincide with each other.  It takes more than just a bad day for me.  Now, I do not enjoy the events as they are happening, but the aftermath, sitting in my room with the door locked and finally releasing the tears as I start up a conversation with God.  That, I love.

Why? Because I can get so busy with life that I hardly pay attention to God, I barely fit in a conversation. That, I hate.

So when I am broken, I have to run to God.  It is not a matter of convenience anymore.  And it's just so fun running to God, full speed, knocking away distractions because circumstances are uncomfortable and gnawing, overtaking your thoughts.  It's the best excuse to get away from normalcy.

But that is not the best part.

My wounds receive the best treatment I could ask for--God's love.  God is the best comforter ever.  Maybe I should rephrase that.  God has a beautiful heart, that delights in being available for His children.  When I feel broken, I can open up my bible, and everywhere I turn seems to have encouraging words.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matt 5:4

^{Isaiah 61:3}to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
   to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
 the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
   the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
 that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
   the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.

³³I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

(and MANY more)

But that is not the best part either.

The best part to me, is not how I can "use" God in my troubling times, but rather expanding my understanding of who He is, His tenderness and love pouring forth and filling the cracks of my brokenness, personally, in ways that show how much better He knows me than even I know myself.  My understanding of His heart multiplies much faster from the rough trial.  His Spirit is always active, but in distressing times I notice it more often.

One can indeed have optimism in the challenging circumstances, because what God is working in you through the moment of pain is something money can't buy, and you can't produce.  We tend to have such a wimpy hope for what God will do. 
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Anyways, I'm sleepy, but I'll try to summarize what's been up.

I've been having a horrible time singing with this worship team, it seemed insanely rare when I would sing with my heart instead of with the perfect harmony, and without a heart for what I sing, the confidence drops a whole lot.  So it felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, I wanted to give up and just be a closet singer for Jesus, because at this point I wasn't even enjoying singing, it was stressful.  I was trying to do it out of my own strength.
So over the course of these months, God wore me out.  Haha, and a few days ago I finally snapped when my mom was telling one of my friends how much she missed her confident loud voice since she moved away.  (Snapping occurred inside me and resulted in silence until my friend left the car and I confronted my mom) I realized this whole time, that I was trying to replace my friend. Everybody seemed to have built me up to be her replacement, and I was failing miserably at singing like her. 
So that leaves me with today.   I was determined to break through this barrier.  I sang frustratedly and without much heart as I practiced in my room to different chord changes.  That is, until I hit this song "Daughters of Jerusalem"  The chorus repeats the words "I am lovesick," and I ended up singing those words repeatedly as my heart involved itself, finally. After that I prayed, and pretty much begged God to touch me tonight, since I'd be singing and two of us five singers are off on a honeymoon. :D Ah, so happy for them.
Anyways though, tonight we were discussing prayer topics and I didn't have anything disturbing me terribly, until we started praying, then abortion was on my mind, and just the different things God had showed me about it, and I almost started crying as one intense prayer flew through my head.  So I ended up praying for a set.  2nd time! Woo!
It was an amazing worship time.  I kept on telling myself, "Be Anna, not Sarah.  You're Anna, sing like Anna!"  and just praying for freedom to sing for Jesus.

I did very well.  :) Jesus told me so.  :P

I sang confident, I sang often, I sang whatever showed up in Anna's head. (that obviously related to the topic)  I actually sang on pitch really well too.  If that seems a weird thought, you should try making up a song to a chord progression someone else plays that goes with the rhythm and their chords in two seconds.  I was actually running out of air! That was really my only problem. (which meant I was singing louder! :D)

Someday, I may try changing some of my poems into songs, because tonight I sang a line out of one of them... 

Anyways, off to sleep.  Day of medical transcription studying for tomorrow..... and those insane girls??? Totally forgot! Ahhh! Good night, for sure!

Anny.

So, I like reading manga every so often, and a particular plot made me so angry that I quit reading it.  However, I realized the obnoxious storyline can often be found in life.

There's Tom, Joey, and Lisa. Tom is an idiot.  Joey is amazing, and Lisa is pretty awesome as well.   Lisa likes Joey, and Joey lovvveees Lisa, right?  However, Lisa lovvvees Tom.  She LOVES TOM! What is wrong with her? Tom is just using her, he's a jerk, he doesn't like her back.  And did I mention how amazing Joey is, how he LOVES her.  Hey, she even knows that he loves her, it's not some secret, and yet she still can't choose him over Tom.  Oh, it just drives me crazy.  It makes me put Lisa in the idiot category, as much as I don't want to...

But then, I look at myself.... God is amazing, lovvvees me, and I "know" it.  (I have to use quotations, because I think knowing His love is never complete, there's always more to know) And yet, I'm so often choosing worldly activities to give myself to, hours of my time to. 

We have the Best, right in front of us. More glorious and beautiful than we can imagine.

Psalm 111:2-4
Great are the works of the LORD; they are pondered by all who delight in them. Glorious and majestic are his deeds, and his righteousness endures forever.  He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the LORD is gracious and compassionate.

How often do we turn to lesser things?  I think the shock is often placed on what we turn to.  HOW can we turn to something so much lower, to those video games, to another person, whatever it is.  I think the real shock is HOW can we turn from Him who is Love itself, so much higher? Who is altogether wonderful? It doesn't make sense.  Seriously, take a look at that plot, is Lisa's choice logical? I don't think so.

And we have a tendency to forget that God is jealous.
Deuteronomy 4:24 "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God."

He's not sitting back unemotional.

We were created in His image, right?  So what do you think? If somebody you really like, not only likes somebody besides you, but also likes a jerk who will hurt him/her, are you going to sit back and enjoy the show? Is that what love does? I like to think love interferes for a rescue, haha.  Yet, Love also gives a choice, and sometimes, rejected, Love might let you know just what He tries to save you from. He's good at knowing what to do, haha. You can count on that. Of course, God is purely motivated, unlike us so often, so whatever He does will be 100x better. :P

Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
       so are my ways higher than your ways
       and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Anyways, I hope you have a beautiful day.  I'm wondering how it's supposed to be 75 over the weekend??  What month are we in?  I really like it though, uber coldness can wait. :]

Anny

I've been attending an end times group Saturday nights.  It's rather comforting, studying such an intense time with others who have better understanding. 

I think I'll just share what I've learned or come to understand:
The end times a lot like the plagues upon Egypt, where the saints and two prophets will be praying in the different events, and God will be protecting His people.
Now of course when I say protecting His people, I don't think it means that we won't encounter persecution, or that He will rapture us out any second to miss everything.  Remember, Pharaoh made the workload on the Israelis harder as Moses kept coming back. 
They're so similar, I don't have time to throw on here a huge comparison, but read them for yourself.

America, especially, has the desire to keep Revelation from happening due to the massive events, persecution, etc.  That is so sad. 
We should be wanting it to happen, because we should be yearning for Jesus' return. Yet the focus is on the hard times to get there. In other countries, the "hard times" are already happening, yet we're blind, comfortable, and happy.

Anyways, I was reading Psalm 91, and it made me think of the different plagues, and God's protection.

³For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
   and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴He will cover you with his pinions,
   and under his wings you will find refuge;
   his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
⁵You will not fear the terror of the night,
   nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
   nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

 ⁷A thousand may fall at your side,
   ten thousand at your right hand,
   but it will not come near you.
⁸You will only look with your eyes
   and see the recompense of the wicked.

¹⁴"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
   I will protect him, because he knows my name.
¹⁵When he calls to me, I will answer him;
   I will be with him in trouble;
   I will rescue him and honor him.
¹⁶With long life I will satisfy him
   and show him my salvation."

It's cool, I think I talked to three different people about the end times this week--not on purpose either.  They brought it up themselves.  So interesting. :]

I have two more months 'til I leave the nest. Crazy.  And I need to start getting birthday party plans together, hehe. I have time for that though. :)
Anny.